Episode 147
Cultivating Connection: Practical Strategies for Enhancing Interpersonal Relationships
Dr. Dianne Olvera, a multifaceted professional, shares her extensive insights into the realms of communication, leadership, and the intricacies of human connection in a thought-provoking discussion. With a career spanning over four decades, her unique experiences as a diplomat, educator, and researcher inform her perspectives on the significance of effective communication strategies in fostering interpersonal relationships. The conversation delves into the core principles that underpin her work, with a particular emphasis on the importance of understanding individual differences in communication styles and cultural contexts. Dr. Olvera’s forthcoming book, 'The Power of Understanding Individual Differences to Uplift and Empower,' seeks to empower readers with the tools necessary to navigate the complexities of human interaction, promoting a more inclusive and empathetic society.
Central to Dr. Olvera's philosophy is the maxim 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,' a principle she applies not only in her personal life but also in her professional endeavors. Her experiences as a diplomat underscore the importance of adapting communication styles to suit diverse audiences, thereby enhancing mutual understanding and respect. Throughout the dialogue, she provides practical strategies, such as her 'Ask, Don't Tell' approach, which encourages individuals to engage in meaningful dialogue rather than resorting to prescriptive communication. This method not only fosters self-esteem but also cultivates a sense of agency among individuals, empowering them to articulate their thoughts and feelings effectively.
Ultimately, this conversation with Dr. Olvera serves as a testament to the transformative power of effective communication. By embracing her insights and recommendations, we can begin to dismantle barriers that impede connection, paving the way for a future where empathy and understanding are at the forefront of our interactions. Her work is a clarion call for us all to reflect on our communication habits and strive for meaningful connections that uplift and empower those around us.
Takeaways
- Dr. Dianne Olvera has a diverse background as a diplomat, educator, and brain researcher, which enriches her insights on communication.
- Her upcoming book emphasizes the importance of understanding individual differences to foster empowerment in interpersonal interactions.
- Effective communication strategies are grounded in the principles of empathy and active listening, which can transform relationships.
- The significance of adjusting communication styles according to cultural and individual contexts is critical for improving interpersonal connections.
Transcript
My guest today is Dr. Diane Oliveira.
Speaker A:Over four decades, she has worked as an international diplomat, spy educator, professor, brain researcher, and clinician.
Speaker A:Her doctoral degrees in bilingual special education.
Speaker A:Language and cultural differences are grounded in research and practice, emphasizing the power of connection.
Speaker A:These proven and effective strategies transform the lives of everyone who employs them.
Speaker A:She is the author of Ask, Don't Tell, Six Easy Steps to Improve Communication, Self Control, and Interpersonal Relationships.
Speaker A: uled for release in spring of: Speaker A:She wants to unleash the power of your words to transform lives, imagining a profound impact you'll have with every interaction, leaving others feeling respected, confident, and valued in their abilities.
Speaker A:Welcome, Dr. Diane, to the podcast.
Speaker A:Well, Doc, welcome to the podcast.
Speaker A:How you doing today?
Speaker B:I'm doing great.
Speaker B:How are you doing?
Speaker A:I'm doing good.
Speaker A:So good to talk to you, but looking forward to this conversation for a while.
Speaker A:Love talking about leadership.
Speaker A:And so we'll have fun discussing what you can show us and our audience about leadership, especially about connection.
Speaker A:But before we jump into that topic, give me the best piece of advice you ever received.
Speaker B:Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you.
Speaker A:It's a very biblical approach.
Speaker B:It's biblical, but, you know, it works.
Speaker B:It's the fun.
Speaker B:It's the foundation of life.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And how have you used that?
Speaker A:And as you interact with people.
Speaker B:I know that I call it speech patterns in the book without you realizing we are actually creating the environment by our speech patterns, but usually starts out as a joke.
Speaker B:Oh, that's.
Speaker B:You're so silly.
Speaker B:You're so stupid.
Speaker B:Then you start forgetting.
Speaker B:And then everybody in the room starts calling that guy stupid or silly or pointing to something stupid or silly that he did or is not or is doing.
Speaker B:And so it's catchy.
Speaker B:And so what I actually do is I don't say anything.
Speaker B:I change the speech pattern.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:And it's just.
Speaker B:Dude, that is awesome.
Speaker B:I didn't even think of that.
Speaker B:That's such a cool thing to say, you know, or.
Speaker B:No, that was brilliant.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:I would have never thought of that.
Speaker B:All of a sudden, everybody starts catching the same words, the same patterns.
Speaker A:Wow, that's interesting.
Speaker A:I never thought about that.
Speaker B:Change the whole dynamics.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Go home when your wife is in a bad mood and just start flipping it around.
Speaker B:And all of a sudden she's gonna say, I love you.
Speaker A:I can't.
Speaker A:Look, she can't hear this podcast.
Speaker A:And she'll get.
Speaker A:She'll know my secret.
Speaker B:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker A:I'M curious, can you think of some people in your life who served as either a mentor for you or maybe a source of inspiration?
Speaker B:I would say my husband.
Speaker B:I met him in Argentina.
Speaker B:It had a really bad first marriage.
Speaker B:And he was Anglo, Argent, Anglo, Mexican, and he served in the military.
Speaker B:He was one of the first groups of Latinos went into West Point.
Speaker B:And he really taught me how to live.
Speaker B:He taught me how to respect, he taught me how to take care of myself.
Speaker B:Because I grew up in a family that we weren't allowed to talk, we weren't allowed to ask questions.
Speaker B:I got soap in my mouth behind my front teeth.
Speaker B:Oh, my, my mother would find a nice juicy bar of soap and she would slide it behind my front teeth and I remembered her for the rest of that day.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And if I didn't, if I continued asking questions and I would get whipped with the belt or the, the, the wooden spoon or whatever.
Speaker B:So I left home without any strategies on how to interact with people.
Speaker B:And so I became a stewardess, and I learned a lot that way.
Speaker B:But then when I met him and became a diplomat, you know, being married to him, I really had to learn how to work with people.
Speaker A:That's a fascinating story.
Speaker A:So tell us about that journey as a diplomat, spy, educator, professor, brain researcher.
Speaker A:Give us that journey, that whole story, because that's a lot of different pieces that led you to that from where you started to, you know.
Speaker A:That background of learning to communicate when you were not allowed to, I think is so critical for what you do today.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:When I, when we were first married, I didn't have a security clearance.
Speaker B:And so one of the first persons I met was a very high ranking dignitary who was so sweet, fun sweet.
Speaker B:I came back and said, oh, I just love this guy.
Speaker B:When I got my security clearance, I found out that that lovely, sweet person was instrumental in killing children and women.
Speaker A:Wow.
Speaker B:And to this day, I mean, it's, it's, it's just horrendous.
Speaker B:These are the, the grandmothers of the plaza, of the, the main street and everything.
Speaker B:So it, given my background from my parents and then how this person wowed me over in minutes, I wanted to learn what happens in the power of connection.
Speaker B:And so after we finished being diplomats in Argentina, we went to Mexico.
Speaker B:Same thing happened.
Speaker B:I went back to, when we got back to the States, I went back to the university.
Speaker B:I got my first doctorate in bilingual special education.
Speaker B:I realized that there was not adequacy in the way that we're teaching our children of different colors.
Speaker B:And so that really got me mad.
Speaker B:But when I tried to fight for them, nobody listened to me.
Speaker B:So I went back and got another doctorate.
Speaker B:And then after that, after I graduated, I was working with some students that had what they call nonverbal learning disability.
Speaker B:I was teaching at Florida Atlantic after that.
Speaker B:And I went into the brain research center and said, I can wanna.
Speaker B:I wanna do some brain research on these kids.
Speaker B:And they let me.
Speaker B:So I did.
Speaker B:I just wanted to know what's happening in the brain.
Speaker B:How do people act and react and then what can we do differently to help those brains and those people change their whole lives?
Speaker B:And here I am, 30, 40 years later.
Speaker B:I can tell you that my students still come back.
Speaker B:I have autistic neurodiverse.
Speaker B:They are now parents with their own children.
Speaker B:They're married.
Speaker B:These are kids that are not supposed to be.
Speaker B:They supposed to have like guardians?
Speaker B:No, they're married and they're profitable.
Speaker B:They are heads of their own companies and they are wonderful.
Speaker A:If you, as you think about your research.
Speaker A:What about your research, especially with the brain work that was most surprising to you?
Speaker B:That's interesting.
Speaker B:We had contrast groups, the non nonverbal, which were the kids who were perceptual.
Speaker B:These are our football players, these are our star basketball players.
Speaker B:But they're very quiet and they don't talk.
Speaker B:Or if they do talk, it's.
Speaker B:Yeah, I don't know, sure, whatever.
Speaker B:But you see them on the field and they are amazing.
Speaker B:It's almost like they have this special gift that they can see somebody move before the person even begins to move.
Speaker B:And so that really intrigued me.
Speaker B:So that's the non non verbal.
Speaker B:And then we have the non verbal, which means it's not in the verbal side of the brain that has the issues.
Speaker B:They were very verbal.
Speaker B:So we just had a little finger tap practice before they went in.
Speaker B:And then we asked them to replicate that finger tap.
Speaker B:Well, what we found was when you don't use internal speech, you know, as if I was teaching you a dance step.
Speaker B:What are you saying?
Speaker B:You know, in your head?
Speaker B:Okay, right foot, left foot, shuffle, you know.
Speaker B:And so the kids who had not talked to themselves had lighting all over their brain.
Speaker B:They were looking for, what do I do?
Speaker B:But when we pulled them out and we said, okay, here, use these numbers, use your fingers.
Speaker B:1, 2, 3, 4.
Speaker B:Use this pattern, say this pattern, do this pattern.
Speaker B:We put them back in within five minutes.
Speaker B:We fixed the brain.
Speaker B:Come on.
Speaker B:Literally.
Speaker B:I mean, they had lighting in all the right areas.
Speaker B:So you see this and you say there's got to be something here.
Speaker B:So sad to say.
Speaker B:I do have a bad story, a sad story.
Speaker B:It was a family where they were twins and boy and a girl.
Speaker B:The girl was very verbal and the guy was a great surfer.
Speaker B:I mean, just wonderful.
Speaker B:And one day he and his friends went out and were riding motorbikes and they decided that they were going to turn off the lights of the motorbikes in the nighttime and play chicken.
Speaker A:Wow.
Speaker B:He did not use self talk.
Speaker B:He died.
Speaker B:And the girl that was with him almost died.
Speaker B:You know, she got very.
Speaker B:She was very ill. And so this really hurts my heart because I started working with them too late.
Speaker B:Had we known earlier, I mean, to this day I still think about, had we not worked with this guy and his family earlier, maybe we would have gotten him to be able to start thinking and talking to themselves.
Speaker B:This is what I think we need to do with all these wonderful people that are in sports.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Get them to become more communicative.
Speaker A:So you, you said, and I want to go back a little bit.
Speaker A:You said, when you start working with some of these kids who people had kind of given up on, how did you figure out or break through so that they became productive members of society when they were kind of.
Speaker A:People had kind of given up on their potential.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:Well, Rhett, one thing that really bothers me is when you see a family and they have like an autistic child, what do they say to the child?
Speaker B:I just want you to be happy.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:The second child who has no problems, do they ever say that to him or her?
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:And so stop treating them differently.
Speaker B:Treat them as human beings.
Speaker B:These people are brilliant.
Speaker B:If you really let that side of their brain show and you start telling them how brilliant they are in those areas, I don't tell them, oh, you're wonderful.
Speaker B:No, I just point it out.
Speaker B:Hey, did you notice that you solved that problem before anybody else?
Speaker B:Hey, did you see that?
Speaker B:That color matches that, that, that border, then it really brings out the.
Speaker B:And highlights what we are trying to do.
Speaker B:No, they did.
Speaker B:And so when they start seeing themselves as a profitable, active individual in society, that's what they do.
Speaker B:They become it.
Speaker A:Wow, I love that.
Speaker A:So let's talk about your first book, Ask, Don't Tell.
Speaker A:And you kind of focus on improving communication and self control.
Speaker A:Kind of share some of the principles of that book and then we'll get into your new book.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:Well, that book is basically the strategies that I used working with people.
Speaker B:And I, I chose Ask don't tell because even when you read parent magazines or parent articles, what do they say?
Speaker B:Tell them, tell them.
Speaker B:Stop it.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:So I always, so I say flip it.
Speaker B:So when somebody's having a problem, I ask them rather than tell them what to do.
Speaker B:You know you're really good at giving advice to George.
Speaker B:Tell me, if I was George, what would you tell me?
Speaker B:What kind of advice would you give me?
Speaker B:And then these kids just rule out with their own decisions.
Speaker B:And then it's like, yep, okay, now take that and roll with it dude, because this is it.
Speaker B:You are great at what you're doing.
Speaker B:And so they, you, when you raise their self esteem, when they start to hear themselves talk and they see that they do have this power, they become more self conscious of being do of what they're doing which is not bad because it raises their self esteem.
Speaker B:When they get their, when they start to raise their self esteem they have self confidence.
Speaker B:When you have self confidence you start using it with other people.
Speaker B:Then when you use it with other people, what do they do?
Speaker B:They think you're a leader.
Speaker B:Little do they know it was all trick.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker A:So tell us about your new book, the Power of Connection.
Speaker A:And why is that so important?
Speaker B:Oh my goodness.
Speaker B:Well, you know, I, I wasn't going to write another book and every time I would meet with someone new, they would say to me, how do you know me when you never met me?
Speaker B:And you know, teenagers would say I was a witch.
Speaker B:You know, it's like dude, she's a witch.
Speaker B:And so I thought, well, what do I do?
Speaker B:And so then I just really started looking at first of all, we have to open our awareness.
Speaker B:As Americans.
Speaker B:We're so busy, we don't even look at each other when we talk.
Speaker B:We, you know, you walk into the room and say the kids, hey, pick up your shoes and you walk away.
Speaker B:Don't even look at them.
Speaker B:And so that's the, the main thing that I just, I said you can't do this.
Speaker A:I love that your book is broken down in two sections.
Speaker A:So you have section one where you kind of talk about the different phases but then you get into not just phases, but then strategies.
Speaker A:I think strategy is so important because we can always talk about connecting, we can talk about communication, but oftentimes it's like, yeah, but where do I start?
Speaker A:So tell us a little bit about how the book is broken up and how you kind of laid it out for people.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:I think what I missed in the first book is how do you know somebody and how can you interact with them unless you see how they think?
Speaker B:So mine isn't really on, you know, how do they use their words.
Speaker B:My book is really on how do you process information.
Speaker B:For example, imagine if you are bottom line guy, just give me the bottom line, don't bother me with all these little details.
Speaker B:Then you're in an office with somebody or married to somebody who's very detailed, drive you crazy because every detail has to be discussed whenever you go out to dinner or out with friends.
Speaker B:But then if you understood how that person processes information, then it becomes an asset.
Speaker B:So I may want to redo the kitchen, but I'm a bottom line guy.
Speaker B:And so I say, well, I just want some nice colors and I want some new, new appliances.
Speaker B:But then my husband is a detailed guy.
Speaker B:So rather than drive me crazy, I just say, and you're so wonderful at all the details.
Speaker B:Go for it.
Speaker B:Now if you're a boss and you have people in your office that are probably inter fighting and you see the individual differences and you point it out.
Speaker B:You know, Harriet, you are so good at giving us just the big picture and Mary Lou, you love these details.
Speaker B:So would you guys mind coming together and making this concept really work for us?
Speaker B:Because we need something that's full bodied.
Speaker B:Now each of them feels like they're appreciated for their uniqueness and then, then they work and they, they do things well.
Speaker B:Then they start using this with other people.
Speaker B:But the good thing of this.
Speaker B:Do you know what happens in the brain?
Speaker B:What our brain actually learns how to use the other person's brain.
Speaker A:Ah, okay.
Speaker B:So you may always be the bottom line person, but when you're working with people in your community, you will then be able to pick out the different entities in your community and you change your way you talk with them based on the way their brain handles the information.
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker A:We used to call that, I know my, in my circles we call it the painter and versus the pointer.
Speaker A:One person just pointing to, you know, the details.
Speaker A:Another person like, but I got to paint you a picture of it first.
Speaker B:Yeah, right.
Speaker B:But it works.
Speaker B:I mean if you, if you really, you know, would see that and you point it out as their beauty, not as a deficit.
Speaker B:But the nice thing is, is once someone's self esteem and self confidence is built, you can start talking about the negative because they don't feel badly that you're putting them down because they know they're good at stuff.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:That makes a lot of sense.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:As you think about the work that you did, especially in this book.
Speaker A:So what are some of the key elements that contribute to effective connection between individuals?
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Well, the first is awareness.
Speaker B:I actually say, you know, it used to be you could sit in the mall and look at people right now.
Speaker B:I say, okay, look at the morning shows or the talk shows, and then you can see the differences.
Speaker B:But watch how people use their eyes.
Speaker B:The eyes are powerful.
Speaker B:You can use your eyes in good ways.
Speaker B:Or when I was a diplomat, I would use my eyes to put people in their place.
Speaker B:They're always trying to get information from you.
Speaker B:And so they'll.
Speaker B:We'll take a woman aside and start to be very comforting and warm and attentive.
Speaker B:And then they start asking questions.
Speaker B:Well, sometimes the questions may be something so simple as, does your husband always get drunk?
Speaker B:Now, why would you use that?
Speaker B:You would use that later against them in political ads or in issues that you want him to be quiet on.
Speaker B:So I had to turn my eyes directly to them, look them right in the eye, and say, we've had enough.
Speaker B:And then I walk away.
Speaker A:Wow, that's interesting.
Speaker B:And it's very powerful.
Speaker A:Did you notice that there are different, effective ways to communicate with different cultures or different ethnic groups?
Speaker A:I noticed that.
Speaker A:There's a book I can't you study years ago about how do you connect?
Speaker A:For example, if you were talking to someone who was French versus someone who was American, you talked about, like, for example, feedback.
Speaker A:Feedback in France is different than feedback in America, especially in a corporate setting.
Speaker A:So how did you discover how you connect against cultural and ethical lines or ethnic lines?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Well, I first learned that when the ambassador's wife in one of the countries that we worked at wore cowboy outfits to formal.
Speaker B:Formal attire.
Speaker B:And sometimes the American diplomats would get off the airplane and say, oh, man, I can't wait to have a burrito.
Speaker B:And they're in Argentina.
Speaker B:You don't have burritos in Argentina.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:And when you look at this in a classroom, this is why I went for my second doctorate, I can't begin to tell you how many ethnically different students from the majority culture are placed in special education and don't need to be there.
Speaker B:And it really does help to know their culture so that when you're working with them, you can understand the need for how they live in their house.
Speaker B:What is their background like?
Speaker B:What is their family life like?
Speaker B:If you knew those things, you then appreciate that child for who they are and what they can give to your classroom or your society.
Speaker A:Wow, that's.
Speaker A:That's fascinating.
Speaker A:I'm curious we talked a little bit about nonverbal communication as we started this out.
Speaker A:How do you.
Speaker A:How does that impact communication and connection in our society?
Speaker A:And a lot of people deal with some of those nonverbal cues.
Speaker A:So how do we help people and make sure they feel included in our culture?
Speaker B:There are some cultures that you're not supposed to look at them, you know, like a child should not look at an adult because it's not respectful.
Speaker B:But let's just say we're dealing with the American culture.
Speaker B:If you had an office and you wanted people to be more communicative, you literally tell them, did you know that eye contact actually connects brains?
Speaker B:And it is brain power.
Speaker B:So that how you use your eyes is also how you plan to present yourself to individuals.
Speaker B:It's really funny.
Speaker B:Craig Melvin on the Today show, he is so sweet because after he finishes an interview, and let's say there's a whole, like three or four of them sitting with an interview, he will.
Speaker B:And they're walking away to go on to another part of the set, he turns around, he looks right at that person again and says, thank you.
Speaker B:Now that hit me right into my soul, because this is the power of communication.
Speaker B:When I do, when I'm checking out of a supermarket, my friends always say, what is it you start getting.
Speaker B:People start telling you all about their background and their lives and their kids and what a day they had that day.
Speaker B:And all I did was look at them and say, hey, what's up?
Speaker B:How are you?
Speaker B:And they're happy.
Speaker A:So for those of us who aren't, who haven't studied this and don't know is, what did you do?
Speaker A:What are some key things that we can do and put into practice on a daily basis to be better at connecting with people?
Speaker B:The first thing you have to do is listen.
Speaker B:You know, what do we do as soon as we hear something we don't like, oh, no, no, no.
Speaker B:But you know, we've got to change that.
Speaker B:And you don't let the person finish the sentence.
Speaker B:So you just took away their power.
Speaker B:With kids, as soon as they start to say something and you're in a bad mood or you feel like they're being aggressive with you, what do you do?
Speaker B:That's enough, young man.
Speaker B:Sit down.
Speaker B:And so if we don't listen, they don't feel heard.
Speaker B:If you don't feel heard, you don't feel respected.
Speaker B:So why would I even talk with you?
Speaker B:Why would I even be part of your.
Speaker B:Your.
Speaker B:Your group?
Speaker B:Why do I even want to work here?
Speaker B:Because nobody Cares.
Speaker B:But when all you have to do is listen to them, look at them, and then respond, that was a, that was an interesting idea.
Speaker B:I'll take that into consideration.
Speaker B:That's it.
Speaker B:You don't have to spend a lot of time.
Speaker B:You actually spend less time using these strategies than you would if you had been using what you normally do.
Speaker A:I have a lot of people on my podcast who are educators.
Speaker A:If you're talking to the educators, the teachers in the room, what insights do you have for them in their environment to put this into practice?
Speaker B:From day one, and actually, I had 24 students from four different languages, no aid, no books.
Speaker B:And, and I used all these strategies.
Speaker B:And so from day one, you make the rules together, and it doesn't have to be anything aggressive.
Speaker B:And when you make it together, they become part of the system.
Speaker B:It's not top down.
Speaker B:They are now entities in that system.
Speaker B:And then all you have to do after that, you know, at the beginning, you have to reinforce, you know, where do you put your book bags?
Speaker B:But then after you do that, you just say, hey, where's your bag need to go?
Speaker B:And that's it.
Speaker B:You know, if you're a boss.
Speaker B:Hey, where do those files need to be at 9 tomorrow?
Speaker B:Oh, on your desk.
Speaker B:Hey, thanks.
Speaker B:I appreciate that.
Speaker B:Cool.
Speaker B:That's it.
Speaker B:And you look at them and you go, hey, I really appreciate that.
Speaker B:Thanks.
Speaker B:There.
Speaker B:They feel.
Speaker B:Felt.
Speaker B:I know people, when they interview me, they say, what does that mean?
Speaker B:Is that making sense?
Speaker B:Like you feel like someone just gave you a hug because they looked at you and they made you real?
Speaker A:Yeah, it makes a lot of sense.
Speaker A:So how is your book being received?
Speaker B:Great.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Everyone that has been reading it.
Speaker B:Matter of fact, I got one review the other day from a father who had a child that had some disability.
Speaker B:And I mean, it was almost as if I had asked him to write it because it was like, exactly what the book is about.
Speaker B:And I'm like, that's cool.
Speaker B:I didn't think that he would really get the gist, but he.
Speaker B:But they did.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it's.
Speaker B:They're simple.
Speaker B:I mean, it's.
Speaker B:I did not Write it like Dr. O.
Speaker B:You know, I really wrote it.
Speaker B:Like, you know, here you and I are sitting here talking together.
Speaker B:We're just your friends and having a cup of coffee.
Speaker B:That's it.
Speaker B:And, and it makes it easier because all the stories then back up how you would use this in your personal life.
Speaker A:That's awesome.
Speaker A:So I love to ask my guests this question.
Speaker A:What do you want your legacy to.
Speaker B:Be I would love to have more people try this out.
Speaker B:If you want your life to be easier, more relaxed and fun, and have your kids grow up with self esteem, self discipline, you don't work so hard.
Speaker B:Once you get this kind of in place, you can kind of sit back and enjoy the kids rather than get mad at them.
Speaker A:That's okay.
Speaker B:And they'll end up like you.
Speaker B:Your top strengths.
Speaker A:Yeah, we've talked about that before we came on.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:The whole strength thing comes, of course, from strength finder.
Speaker A:And I always like to be aware of what I'm good at and what I'm not good at because you can spend so much of your life trying to improve things that even if you improve your weaknesses or just minor improvements, whereas if you pour into your strengths, you're much more effective and a lot less frustrated.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:Well, please pass that on to every person that you meet.
Speaker B:Because business, they're telling me that they can't hire college students or high school students because they don't have self awareness.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:You know, and in parents, I mean, you keep doing everything for your children.
Speaker B:I know you do it out of love, but what are you doing?
Speaker B:You're babying them.
Speaker B:And then when they get out into the real world, they'll be like me.
Speaker B:They didn't have any strategies.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And they don't have time to go back and make a book like, I mean, go back and take two degrees again like you did.
Speaker B:Yeah, well, you know, I just did it to fight for people because I would get so mad that nobody listened to me, you know, So I have to, because I don't have one of these aggressive characters.
Speaker B:Maybe I laugh too much.
Speaker B:And so it's really hard to take me seriously.
Speaker B:So I just say, okay, research says there you go.
Speaker A:And I can back it up with all these different sources.
Speaker A:Yes, right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:I'm really a serious person.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:One other thing is, when you're talking to somebody, especially kids, don't ask them how you feel.
Speaker B:If they say, how do you feel?
Speaker B:It's like they feel like they have to.
Speaker B:They have to know the exact words to tell you.
Speaker B:But if you say, how does your brain feel?
Speaker B:How does your body feel right now?
Speaker B:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker B:It's almost like opening a dam.
Speaker A:That's amazing.
Speaker A:So I started something new in season six of the podcast, and it is the surprise question that the guest gets to pick.
Speaker A:So pick a number between one and three.
Speaker A:We'll figure out what your surprise question is.
Speaker B:Let's do two.
Speaker A:Two.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Oh, Here you go.
Speaker A:What is your recurring nightmare?
Speaker B:Nightmare?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Is that I'm going to die and I won't be able to get this message out because we are becoming so coddling as a country that our children are not able to defend themselves.
Speaker B:And I want a strong country.
Speaker B:I really.
Speaker B:We have such beauty in every aspect of our lives, but I want to be able to show that and have people see their beauty.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's.
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker A:That's really good.
Speaker A:Where can listeners find your book, the Power of Connection and connect with you on social media?
Speaker B:Social media is Dr. Diane Olvera, but it's D I, A N N E and then O L, V E R A or Amazon.
Speaker B:I'm, I'm.
Speaker B:My book is on Amazon right now.
Speaker B:And let's see.
Speaker B:I, I don't know if they have put on the other word power strong onto my website yet, so.
Speaker B:But that might be another.
Speaker B:That's a lot easier to spell.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Word power strong.
Speaker A:There you go.
Speaker B:I didn't even think about the name until somebody says two ends and a. Diane.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker A:There you go.
Speaker A:Get the wrong person, wrong book.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Power of disconnect versus connection.
Speaker A:So, as we wrap this up and this is a great conversation, what key takeaways do you want the audience to leave from our conversation today?
Speaker B:Well, as we started out, you know, do unto others as you want others to do unto you and learn some strategies so that you can actually get that into your life and keep it going.
Speaker B:Use your eyes, listen, ask, don't tell.
Speaker B:You know, just little strategies.
Speaker B:Oh, extension words.
Speaker B:You know, like some kids and some people don't talk.
Speaker B:Just start with, you know, say they, oh, I had a bad day.
Speaker B:And so.
Speaker B:Darn.
Speaker B:And empathy.
Speaker B:When you start with empathy, they feel.
Speaker B:Felt, you know.
Speaker B:Okay, you got drunk last night.
Speaker B:We have all had difficult situations in our lives.
Speaker B:Now, what would you do differently?
Speaker B:We left for one night and the SWAT team ended up at our house in Florida.
Speaker A:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:The football player lived down the street, and so the kids didn't realize that our house was not the football player's house.
Speaker A:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker B:Yeah, so it was really good.
Speaker B:My husband actually did use all the strategies.
Speaker B:So what would you do differently?
Speaker B:How would you change things?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And when he, when actually when he really didn't know what to do, then he said, I don't know.
Speaker B:Can you help me?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And that's a perfect time because then now, then he's receptive.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Well, Dan, thanks so much for writing this book.
Speaker A:And thanks so much for caring about our next generation that you pour into them and.
Speaker A:And give us some tools to kind of help lift them up and honor them and respect them and.
Speaker A:And to take them to that next level so they can be all that God made them to be.
Speaker A:So thank you for the.
Speaker B:The work that you do well, and for yours also.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker B:You are blessed.
Speaker B:And thank you.
Speaker B:You blessed me, too, today.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker A:Thank you, Diane.
Speaker B:All right.
