Rediscovering Your Inner Child: A Journey with Ann Mracek

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 00:42

How you doing today?

Ann Mracek (: 00:46

I'm great, thank you so much for having me, Keith, this is a delight.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 00:50

It's a pleasure. So I love to ask my guests, this is my favorite go-to question. What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?

Ann Mracek (: 00:58

Really, think it's in all things, ask yourself, how does this fit with my soul's purpose? And always be true to your own passion.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 01:10

I loved it. And who told you that? Where did you get that from?

Ann Mracek (: 01:14

Actually, I got that from my angel.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 01:20

That's so cool.

Ann Mracek (: 01:20

My guardian angel, yeah, in prayer, so, yeah.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 01:24

Love it. I'm always curious from people like yourself, who are some people in your life who serve to inspire you or be a mentor for you?

Ann Mracek (: 01:34

Well, the first most obvious answer for that is my father. We had our challenges in our relationship, but nonetheless, he taught me self-reliance, resilience, creativity. And so for that, I am very grateful. And he spoke in the language of love that is mostly on actions. He was a man of very few words.

But his actions showed me his genuine love for me.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 02:08

That is so cool.

So I'm curious, tell us about your emotional journey and how you experienced, you talked about the emptying out your parents' house and how it kind of led to the writing of the book, Unpacking the Attic.

Ann Mracek (: 02:20

Yes.

Ann Mracek (: 02:24

Yes. My parents announced that they were moving into an assisted living apartment in two weeks. And they said they wanted me to empty their house. They thought I could do this in two weeks. Right. This was a three story, six thousand square foot home that they had fifty six years of accumulated junk in. So obviously the task was daunting and it took a lot longer than two weeks. But in the process.

of seeing the items from my childhood for the last time. It triggered a lot of forgotten childhood memories and quite frankly, some suppressed childhood trauma and brought to light some family relationships that really needed fixing. There were some broken relationship issues and I decided to have the courage to

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 03:06

you

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 03:18

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Ann Mracek (: 03:22

look at these things with a very honest lens and to go back in time to allow myself to relive and and remember and then heal and repurpose those memories so that I was no longer triggering and having the emotional response of the child but reframing these memories into an adult context so that I could

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 03:51

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Ann Mracek (: 03:52

understand the complex emotional situations that were happening with the adults who were in the scenarios in these memories because you know as a child you think that you're the causation of everything. I can remember probably the most poignant memory for me was my grandfather's rejection, my paternal grandfather.

And actually I'll show you I actually kept it. I have one of the items from my childhood. This was his pipe

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 04:25

That's beautiful.

Ann Mracek (: 04:28

It's a Mircham and when I smell it, it still faintly smells of cherry wood smoke. And you've probably experienced this so often times a fragrance or a scent can really trigger a memory. And that's what happened to me when I found Pop's pipe. And I remember the only two words that he ever spoke to me was sit down.

We would go to his two-family flat to visit, and he lived upstairs. We'd walk in. I remember it was winter. We took off coats, and he pointed to that little red velvet chair and said, sit down. And then he and my parents went off into the kitchen, and I sat there for what seemed like an eternity as a toddler. I could hear conversation. I could smell cooking. After dinner, he and my parents would come back out into that front room.

He would sit in his big green overstuffed chair, stare out the window and puff on this pipe, filling the room with cherry wood smoke. And I would stare at him so intently and he would never look at me. And I interpreted that rejection as a toddler, as I'm a bad child. My pop pop doesn't love me and I am undeserving of being loved. Well, re-experiencing that now,

remembering that memory as an adult. I understand now that pop was emotionally unavailable. I remember my mom saying that he really quit living the day his wife, my grandmother died. She died very young. She died in her 50s of diabetes. And back in the day, there was no insulin treatment. And so I realized that it wasn't the fact that

I was undeserving of being loved as a toddler, it was that he had shut down. He was not emotionally available. So, but as a child, I internalized that as it was my fault, I was bad. And if I could just be a better child, somehow he would, he would finally talk to me. And, you know, I took that all the way through adulthood. I'm a piano teacher and I took students to perform Christmas carols.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 06:43

you

Ann Mracek (: 06:53

at his nursing home years later, hoping that we would finally have that conversation. And you know, he would listen to the first several performances, and then he would leave and go back into his room and wouldn't come out and wouldn't talk to me before the end of the performance. So we never had that conversation. And in re-remembering and writing Unpacking the Attic,

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 07:12

You

Ann Mracek (: 07:21

I remember a trip my husband and I took to China. Now stay with me. You'll see why China is important. And we were walking through Beijing, down through these alleyways and there were tables and tables and tables set up of what looked to me like stacks of paper doll things. Pictures of houses and pictures of cars and pictures of washers and dryers and pictures of clothing. And I asked our tour guide, said, well, do people buy these for the children to play with? Is this like paper dolls?

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 07:24

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Ann Mracek (: 07:50

And he was appalled. He's like, heavens no. Relatives buy these for they're deceased. He said, in our religion, we believe that when an image of an item is prayed upon with intent with the deceased person in the prayer, and then they're lit and burned, that the smoke rises to the spirit world and remanifests itself as that item, as a gift.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 07:53

You

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 08:05

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Ann Mracek (: 08:19

to the deceased's loved one.

So I got to thinking on this and I decided, you know, I'm going to write Papa a letter, even though he's been gone for years. And at first I wanted to write, I'm so angry at you and I want an apology. I really kind of wanted to yell at him.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 08:34

You

Ann Mracek (: 08:42

The more I prayed on it and the more I thought about it, I ended up writing, I'm sorry you were broken. And we both deserve so much more. I'm sorry that you lost out on one of life's greatest gifts. And that's to laugh with your grandchild. But I forgive you. And I put that letter in a green ceramic bowl, which represented his green over-stuffed chair, and I lit it.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 08:46

you

Ann Mracek (: 09:13

And you know, as that smoke rose, I really felt released. I felt a compassion and a love for him that I had never felt. And I no longer associate now those feelings of rejection with him. I feel much more connected and much more loving toward him and much more compassionate. And I really came through

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 09:15

You

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 09:27

you

Ann Mracek (: 09:43

this journey transformed. It really helped me to repurpose a lot of these old memories that were holding me back. And sometimes you don't even realize why you feel inadequate or why you feel unlovable until you allow yourself the courage to re-experience the original trauma and then to try to understand with compassion toward the people that were in this scenario.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 09:46

and

Ann Mracek (: 10:11

what was really happening in an adult perspective.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 10:15

I love that. I love that story too. I've heard a lot of people who focus on

healing from the perspective of the inner child. Tell us more about that approach in your book.

Ann Mracek (: 10:26

Yes, it's interesting because I found that a lot of times problems in even our adult relationships may stem from a programming from childhood. You may not even be aware of the relationship of those things at first. For example, I have a wonderful relationship. Richard and I have been together over 30 years.

you know, I hope for another hundred. It will never be enough. early on in our marriage, I was constantly traumatized that he was going to leave me, that he would abandon me. And anytime he was working late, I would seize up with fear. And in the process of and he was never for no reason. I mean, he never he never gave me an actual cause to feel this way, but it kept coming back.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 11:18

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Ann Mracek (: 11:24

kept coming back. He's gonna leave me. He's gonna abandon me. Well, in the process of writing on Packing the Attic, one of the things that I did remember was being strapped into a car seat in the back seat and my parents having horrible arguments in the front seat, yelling at each other, dad and road rage, really driving irresponsibly, recklessly. And at one point at a stoplight, my mom opened the door, got out, slammed the door and walked off.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 11:29

you

Ann Mracek (: 11:55

And I'm a tiny child sitting in the back seat, completely forgotten about, and I'm seeing my mother leaving and I don't know that she's ever coming back. And I also know that my father has never been a caregiver for me when I was tiny. It was always my mom. And so I'm sitting there feeling completely abandoned, forgotten. And that tear of abandonment I realized was being re-triggered.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 11:59

You

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 12:10

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Ann Mracek (: 12:25

And so once I remembered the situation and allowed myself to understand that was then, this is now, different people in the scenario, I am safe now, I am loved, I'm protected, all of that evaporated, it went away. And so now when Richard Wirtz late or for some reason we're separated, I don't have that anxiety and that trauma of he's not coming back.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 12:40

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Ann Mracek (: 12:54

I trust him completely and I know he's coming back. it was never a matter of trusting him to begin with. It was just that old feeling of abandonment kept re-triggering, kept coming back. And now I've released it. It's gone. So there are times when I think even if you don't realize what is causing the trauma, so much of it I think comes from childhood that we really need to examine and move forward from and heal.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 13:24

Another one of your focuses in your book is unpacking those memories. And that is, of course, metaphorical meaning dealing with those past memories and looking at them, examining them from a new perspective. So, and you use storytelling, and I love storytelling. I do it a lot when I preach to you. Storytelling is very powerful. How do you incorporate storytelling as a useful tool in healing those unpacked memories?

Ann Mracek (: 13:31

Yes.

Ann Mracek (: 13:36

Right.

Ann Mracek (: 13:40

Yes, yes.

Ann Mracek (: 13:51

So let me tell you another story. How would that be to start? So I was never very good at gym, know, PE. I was always the last one picked for the basketball team, you know, this sort of thing. the one thing I was good at was gymnastics. And I have a memory.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 13:53

That'd be great.

Ann Mracek (: 14:21

of being literally upside down in a handstand on the parallel bars when the bell rang. And the cafeteria was adjoining the gymnasium and there were three big doors that opened and a horde of little grade school boys came charging into the gymnasium. One of them crashing into the apparatus and I crashed to the floor, my left knee hitting the apparatus screw on the way down and then landing.

in the two inch space between the mats. And I blacked out. When I came to, that knee was the size of a grapefruit, which was quite impressive on that scrawny little leg at the time. And for some reason that I simply do not remember, I had to take the late bus home, which I'd never done before. Now on a normal day, the bus would drop me off at the end of my driveway. And so I thought, well, I can just...

scoot on my rear if I need to up to the front door from there right but the late bus followed a different routine and it went about five blocks past my neighborhood let alone past my driveway and I was in a panic because I really couldn't walk the knee just really did not want to support my weight it was very painful and I tried to explain to the bus driver and he basically just said this is the route get off the bus so I'm stranded and I really cannot

walk more than two or three steps. I am in a lot of pain and this is before cell phones mind you so I was really stranded and I really wasn't even sure where I was at this point looking around. didn't know this neighborhood or this area. I'm a little child right and I began to wonder if my parents would drive the streets looking for me like a lost dog. You know I was really lost and I prayed.

And I said, I need help. I don't know how to get home. And when I opened my eyes, there was a very old blue car in front of me. And the door swung open and it had a radiant white interior. And this beautiful young lady leaned over and said, Anne, get in the car. I'll drive you home. Now, I knew better than to get in a stranger's car, right?

Ann Mracek (: 16:47

But I felt completely washed over with love and safety. And I got in. And she drove me straight to my home without a single word to each other. It was as if she knew everything there was to know about me. And we just sat together knowing. And she drove me right to the end of my driveway. And I got out. And I turned around to glance back at the house.

And then I turned back to thank her and the car and she had vanished.

They were just gone. Now, if it had been an actual car that had sped away, she'd have had to go at 5,000 miles an hour for me to not see her. Our house was at the bottom of a long hill. So the car just simply vanished. And I did exactly what plan A had been all along. I scooted to the front door.

And the doorbell on the old house was several steps off to the right. And I was like, now I got to walk to the doorbell. And I looked at it I thought, I wish it would just ring. And you know, it did. And it felt like my angel was still there and winking at me.

And so any time now the feelings of being inadequate, being unloved, any traumatic negative programming that I have that resurfaces, all I have to do is remember that I was so loved that even an angel would come and rescue me.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 18:43

Wow, that's cool.

Ann Mracek (: 18:44

And so I believe that our Lord, our God is compassionate, especially the lost kids. remembering that has made a profound change in my spirit because I do feel treasured and I do feel loved.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 18:47

You

Ann Mracek (: 19:11

I related that story to my husband years ago and he was like, yeah, sure, right. So my second angel, my husband and I experienced together and my second angel found my car keys. And my husband got to experience that with me. I was meeting him for lunch and in a hurry and I apparently had dropped my keys when I was putting my money in the meter, but didn't realize it.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 19:41

you

Ann Mracek (: 19:41

And I met him at Blueberry Hill, which is a famous restaurant here in St. Louis. It's where Chuck Berry used to perform every Wednesday night. Fantastic. And it's like an old house and each room has like a theme. And it's an old windy, like you have to go downstairs and around the corners and back. And they walked us, which felt like through 80 rooms to the very back room and the very back booth. Now, why that's important.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 19:47

yeah.

Ann Mracek (: 20:09

So we're sitting there finally having lunch and finally got our order in and suddenly we felt this presence and we looked up and here was this magnificent black band with dreadlocks all the way to his waist in the most fabulously bright colored African print shirt you'd ever like oranges and yellows and reds in which is fabulous. And in this beautiful sonorous baritone voice he says, did you drop your car keys?

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 20:22

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Ann Mracek (: 20:39

And I looked at him, I looked at Rich and I said, well, I don't think so. And he laughed and he handed me my car keys and he said, Anne, you dropped your car keys.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 20:51

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Ann Mracek (: 20:54

And I was shocked. Sure enough, my car keys, right? My husband's aghast. And I reached into my purse and I was going to grab out a $20 bill to give him to thank him. And I looked down and I looked up and he was gone. He had vanished. And my husband jumped up because he wanted to run and he thought, well, maybe he just had already walked out of the room. And Rich ran all the way back through all of those windy rooms.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 21:03

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Ann Mracek (: 21:24

all the way through the restaurant and even outside and looked up and down the street he had just vanished.

And so it was an experience that both of us then got to have together of understanding that, yes, there are angels, there are compassionate beings that watch over us when we're stupid. And we drop our car keys. But at the time, that would have been, if someone else had picked those up, they could have driven away. And I had my house keys and all my addresses and my plan or my book planner and everything was in the car.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 21:32

You

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 21:47

Which is helpful.

you

Ann Mracek (: 22:01

We could have lost everything had I not been rescued in that circumstance. another story from unpacking the attic, but yes, I have repurposed many of those old memories and self doubts with understanding that the universe, the God, whatever your name is, the divine creator, he's there, he's present and he will send an angel to rescue you.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 22:03

you

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 22:28

No, that's cool. Your book offers a lot of techniques to support healing, such as visualization, exercising, journaling.

Ann Mracek (: 22:33

Yes.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 22:36

self-compassion practices. Tell us kind of how your book, because your book has a lot of chapters in it and they're kind of short, easy, yeah, short, easy to read chapters. Tell us kind of how you utilize us to say, integrate those techniques in the various stories you use in your book and how your book is laid out.

Ann Mracek (: 22:42

70. Yes. Right.

Ann Mracek (: 22:54

Yes, so I think a lot of times when you have a memory, you have to look at it and ask yourself, what can I take from this that's positive? There are five basic traumas from childhood that I think everyone experiences. We talked about rejection with Pops Pipe. We talked about abandonment. There's also humiliation and justice and betrayal.

For example, my family used to celebrate Christmas really at together, the whole extended family at Christmas Eve at my aunt's house, my father's older sister. And she had five children that were decades older than me. And then there was me, only child. And then there were their children who were infants. So I had no cousins that were my generation.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 23:38

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Ann Mracek (: 23:54

I was in the gap. And everyone would have Christmas dinner and the older ones would be talking with themselves. And then of course there were infants and I was really alone. I really had no one to interact with. They didn't want to be bothered with the little kid and I couldn't obviously interact with an infant. So there I was. And the big highlight of the evening for everyone else was to go.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 24:16

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Ann Mracek (: 24:24

into the next room and dive into the pile of wrapped presents. And my aunt would have presents for all of her children and all of their children.

And there was never a present with my name on it because I wasn't one of her children or her grandchildren. So I would always retreat to the back of the room and study the painting of the flamenco dancer that she had on the wall in the back room and entertain myself dreaming about paintings I would accumulate for my own walls someday in my own travels. That was Mike's scape.

Ann Mracek (: 25:06

But I began to understand that my gift was really understanding that inclusiveness is so, important. So my gift was lasting. All of the presents that were unwrapped from under that tree have all been outgrown or broken or thrown out. And yet mine remains.

And to this day, I understand how very important it is to be inclusive of everyone, to say, see you and I value you. And anytime I have invited anyone to my home over the holidays, I always have a wrap gift for them with their name on it. And this is not about gift giving.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 25:50

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Ann Mracek (: 25:59

as much as it is really about feeling like you are a valued, included member of the group. So my thing that I do is I make ceramic Christmas tree ornaments. And it takes two kiln firings, it takes weeks to do, and I paint and glaze the name of the recipient and the year on the back of each one so that when they open their gift,

They know that it was something that I made specifically for them. It was not a last minute thought. It was for them. It was started weeks and weeks ago. And it says to them, I'm valuing you. I am giving you my time and creative energy. And I have planned for you to be here and you're important to me.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 26:31

you

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 26:48

That's so critical because sometimes that I remember some Christmases too where we weren't included and it is is is devastating especially if you're younger to process that you just feel and and to go with your passive

with your grandfather too. I it was all kind of play into a childhood memory of am I important, am I valued, am I highly favored? So yeah.

Ann Mracek (: 27:08

Right, right. I was always alone. Only child, no cousins my own age, parents that were in a very challenged, aggressively fighting relationship, and father that was gone a lot. So it was difficult. And I really feel like all the way through that experience of my childhood,

It was really my angels that were with me. It was that presence that I felt with me. And I think that was really my emotional go-to and my savior all the way through was understanding that there is a higher presence. And I wasn't alone spiritually. I wasn't alone emotionally, even though I found myself in these challenging circumstances. Yeah.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 28:01

Right. So what key lessons do you hope readers take away from picking up Unpacking the Attic?

Ann Mracek (: 28:08

Well, I think it's going to encourage you to look at your own childhood through a different lens. So oftentimes we, what's the saying? If someone delivers a box of snakes to your front door, don't sign for it.

So I had internalized and signed for a lot of negative programming that I was carrying forward with me that were not serving me well. And so even though my stories are very specific to my circumstance, all of us have experienced these general things, these feelings of being betrayed or injustice or being humiliated. And so

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 28:53

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Ann Mracek (: 28:55

I think it shows you a path, it shows you a way to reframe and to repurpose these memories and to take value from what you can, to understand that now you are safe, now you can protect yourself, now you can write and manifest your own reality moving forward.

Whereas as a child, you don't have those understandings and you are completely relying on someone else for your safety and for your wellbeing and for your next meal. But as an adult, we can be empowered and we can let go of these old programmings that no longer serve us. I lit candles, I prayed, I had long deep conversations with the people that are currently in my life, like my husband and my child.

my grandchildren, I have so much an understanding of how fleeting and how valuable those relationships are. For example, Pop not talking to me has made it one of my greatest passions to spend time and quality time in interaction with my own two grandchildren. So in a way, he gifted me

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 29:55

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Ann Mracek (: 30:19

with an understanding of how valuable that time is and how valuable that relationship is. So that now I do laugh with my grandchildren and I will give them the understanding of they have a grandparent that loves them dearly and they are truly valued and included and wanted and rejoiced in. So sometimes even a negative experience in your own childhood you can repurpose.

to move forward and embedder or enhance your current relationships.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 30:55

Wow, that's powerful. I love to ask my guests this question. is one of my second favorite question. What do you want your legacy to be?

Ann Mracek (: 31:04

Love.

Ann Mracek (: 31:09

love. Yeah. I want people that read the book to understand how loving our God is and how beautiful your soul is. We are all loved. We are all beautiful divine, divinely created beings. And we need to give the grace to ourselves to love ourselves and to value

those that are in our life now, they're gifts. And those relationships are something we should nurture and treasure.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 31:47

That's great. So your book is now out unpacking the attic. Where can listeners find your book? I'm looking on an Amazon as we speak now. You have five reviews, all five star things like beautifully crafted journey through memory, engaging.

Ann Mracek (: 31:51

It is!

Ann Mracek (: 31:59

Yes.

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 32:03

wow, a must read so people are really digging this book that you have. So where can they find it?

Ann Mracek (: 32:10

Just Amazon and what you have to do because it's a brand new release It's not going to just come up automatically in their feed it takes a while for their their algorithms to do that So just type in either unpacking the attic and it'll pop or type in and Miragec Either way and you'll find it that like that and also you can engage with me You can go to my office website. It's and Miragec comm

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 32:31

you

Host: Rev. Dr. Keith Haney (: 32:38

Well, Ann, thanks so much for taking this time to share with me and the audience a little bit about your story, your journey. You were a wonderful storyteller. May people pick this book up. We encourage our listeners also to go to Amazon, leave a review for Ann. I hope the book get more views and algorithms will help it shoot up the chart. So blessings on the work that you're doing.

Ann Mracek (: 33:00

Thank you so much. Thank you. I really appreciate you.